Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Wilfred and Darius Want Attention
Check out my new blog with fellow comedian and writer, Darius Emadi. Unlike here, there will be regular updates which will include jokes, essays, and descriptions of people we hate. So, check it out at http://dariusandwilfred.wordpress.com/.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Morning News
- A Japanese whaling ship struck a vessel of the anti-whaling group, Sea Shepherd Conservative Society, and left the ship severely damaged. In their defense, the Japanese whaling ship said they were being guided by Dick Cheney.
- Google released the Nexus One, it’s challenge to the iPhone and BlackBerry. Google execs say it will have many recognizable features from the Google search engine, such as Gmail, Google maps, and an upgrade to Bing.
- A federal appeals court repealed Washington’s law banning incarcerated felons from voting. In related news, a presidential campaign has begun for the cast of Cool Hand Luke.
- In reference to the 85,000 jobs lost last month in the U.S., President Obama encouraged people to continue their hard work, and said “The road to recovery is never straight.” “He’s right,” said Lindsey Lohan.
- Google released the Nexus One, it’s challenge to the iPhone and BlackBerry. Google execs say it will have many recognizable features from the Google search engine, such as Gmail, Google maps, and an upgrade to Bing.
- A federal appeals court repealed Washington’s law banning incarcerated felons from voting. In related news, a presidential campaign has begun for the cast of Cool Hand Luke.
- In reference to the 85,000 jobs lost last month in the U.S., President Obama encouraged people to continue their hard work, and said “The road to recovery is never straight.” “He’s right,” said Lindsey Lohan.
Don't See
They should've called it "it's dissappointing"
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Fan mail
Dear Wilfred,
I might be in love, but let me explain.
I recently attended an improv show where you did stand-up comedy. You don’t know me, because I did not feel compelled to talk to you after the show. I thought it was mediocre at best, but that doesn’t bother me – I’m not one for laughing.
I consider myself to be an artist in the making; I, too, write. My days consist of long periods, sitting in silence and reflecting upon the human experience. Considering that I find such extensive loneliness necessary to strive as an artist, I have found it hard to sustain a relationship in my life.
But, I think that you and I could have a very successful romance. As I’ve said, for the sake of my art, I need space. And you, I think, could be someone whom I could easily pretend is not there. The relationship would probably work as follows: you think of me as your reason for living, and every so often, I’ll consider you to be someone else in the room.
Think about it, because I can’t stop thinking about your weightless frame sleeping in the next room.
Sincerely,
M.E.
On another note:
I might be in love, but let me explain.
I recently attended an improv show where you did stand-up comedy. You don’t know me, because I did not feel compelled to talk to you after the show. I thought it was mediocre at best, but that doesn’t bother me – I’m not one for laughing.
I consider myself to be an artist in the making; I, too, write. My days consist of long periods, sitting in silence and reflecting upon the human experience. Considering that I find such extensive loneliness necessary to strive as an artist, I have found it hard to sustain a relationship in my life.
But, I think that you and I could have a very successful romance. As I’ve said, for the sake of my art, I need space. And you, I think, could be someone whom I could easily pretend is not there. The relationship would probably work as follows: you think of me as your reason for living, and every so often, I’ll consider you to be someone else in the room.
Think about it, because I can’t stop thinking about your weightless frame sleeping in the next room.
Sincerely,
M.E.
On another note:
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Kent, WA
When my dad became frustrated, it was customary for our family to pretend as if we didn’t hear the four-letter words coming out of his mouth. One morning, I woke to my dad murmuring curse words while slamming drawers and doors. “Hey, Dad,” I said still groggy and delirious enough to actually ask him what was troubling him.
“Get the paint out of the shed and repaint the garage,” he replied.
Retracting any further consolations, I asked why, and he told me someone spray-painted “Go back to Chinas” across our garage door.
“We aren’t even Chinese,” he said. He was partly right, we were, and still are, Filipino. But due to a history of colonization in the Philippines, most Filipinos are a little Chinese and Spanish, including our family. He continued, “Well, your mom is a little…”
“I don’t think they’re too concerned with subtleties, Dad.” I went out back, and collected some paint rollers, trays, and two half-full cans of Ivory Milk.
In 1999, my parents became homeowners for the first time, moving to Kent, WA in an attempt to find a safe place to settle. According to the 2000 census, Kent’s demographics are more diverse than Seattle’s, and, even more appealing, the diversity isn’t sectioned off into neighborhoods. With various ethnicities living amongst each other, Kent would be the perfect place to raise a child in developing multicultural awareness. My parents, oblivious to this opportunity, moved us into the city and maintained reclusion.
Before I painted the garage, I washed it with soap and water. I unwound the hose, rinsed off the suds, then sat there, frustrated, waiting for the wall to dry in the morning sun. I wasn’t mad at my dad. I wasn’t mad at the jerk who had the handwriting of a third-grader. I was angry because I should have stayed in my room when I heard my dad cursing.
We never caught the culprit. How were we to – go door-to-door asking how many countries were named China? I just sat there, thinking that this doesn’t happen in Kent. It happens in Alabama, or Mississippi, amongst a group of bald men in leather boots.
I had a cut on my hand that I reopened because I stretched out my palm while carelessly throwing the materials back in the shed. I went back in the house, washed my hand, put ointments on it, and bandaged it correctly. And I spent the rest of the day giving it the time it needed to heal.
I couldn’t avoid the cut on my hand, just as my family couldn’t avoid the vandalism on our garage. We needed to treat it delicately, with sincere concern. But first, we had to realize that wherever we are, we’re going to scrape our hands. It’s not about avoiding the cuts, but instead, about how carefully we treat them when they do arise.
“Get the paint out of the shed and repaint the garage,” he replied.
Retracting any further consolations, I asked why, and he told me someone spray-painted “Go back to Chinas” across our garage door.
“We aren’t even Chinese,” he said. He was partly right, we were, and still are, Filipino. But due to a history of colonization in the Philippines, most Filipinos are a little Chinese and Spanish, including our family. He continued, “Well, your mom is a little…”
“I don’t think they’re too concerned with subtleties, Dad.” I went out back, and collected some paint rollers, trays, and two half-full cans of Ivory Milk.
In 1999, my parents became homeowners for the first time, moving to Kent, WA in an attempt to find a safe place to settle. According to the 2000 census, Kent’s demographics are more diverse than Seattle’s, and, even more appealing, the diversity isn’t sectioned off into neighborhoods. With various ethnicities living amongst each other, Kent would be the perfect place to raise a child in developing multicultural awareness. My parents, oblivious to this opportunity, moved us into the city and maintained reclusion.
Before I painted the garage, I washed it with soap and water. I unwound the hose, rinsed off the suds, then sat there, frustrated, waiting for the wall to dry in the morning sun. I wasn’t mad at my dad. I wasn’t mad at the jerk who had the handwriting of a third-grader. I was angry because I should have stayed in my room when I heard my dad cursing.
We never caught the culprit. How were we to – go door-to-door asking how many countries were named China? I just sat there, thinking that this doesn’t happen in Kent. It happens in Alabama, or Mississippi, amongst a group of bald men in leather boots.
I had a cut on my hand that I reopened because I stretched out my palm while carelessly throwing the materials back in the shed. I went back in the house, washed my hand, put ointments on it, and bandaged it correctly. And I spent the rest of the day giving it the time it needed to heal.
I couldn’t avoid the cut on my hand, just as my family couldn’t avoid the vandalism on our garage. We needed to treat it delicately, with sincere concern. But first, we had to realize that wherever we are, we’re going to scrape our hands. It’s not about avoiding the cuts, but instead, about how carefully we treat them when they do arise.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Recent News
- The parents of the 'balloon boy' plan to plea guilty and receive a probation sentence to avoid Mayumi Heene (the mother)'s deportation to Japan, the country in which she is a citizen. Supporting her deportation, though, are her three sons.
- The Federal Reserve announced new rules that would prohibit banks from charging consumers overdraft fees without the permission of the cardholder. This was initiated to save money for numerous financially irresponsible people, such as the Federal government.
- Taylor Swift becomes the youngest person to ever win the CMA's top award, Entertainer of the Year. "Who the hell is Taylor Swift?" said every American minority.
- A judge ruled that a man who spent the last 18 years in prison for a murder committed in 1991 is innocent. Many eye-witnesses recanted their original statements that said, “He looked like that guy, you know. Mexican or something.”
- Ivar’s president, Bob Donegan, admitted that the billboard found undersea was a hoax planted there for a marketing ploy. Donegan said the idea came from their marketing director, Mayumi Heene.
- The Federal Reserve announced new rules that would prohibit banks from charging consumers overdraft fees without the permission of the cardholder. This was initiated to save money for numerous financially irresponsible people, such as the Federal government.
- Taylor Swift becomes the youngest person to ever win the CMA's top award, Entertainer of the Year. "Who the hell is Taylor Swift?" said every American minority.
- A judge ruled that a man who spent the last 18 years in prison for a murder committed in 1991 is innocent. Many eye-witnesses recanted their original statements that said, “He looked like that guy, you know. Mexican or something.”
- Ivar’s president, Bob Donegan, admitted that the billboard found undersea was a hoax planted there for a marketing ploy. Donegan said the idea came from their marketing director, Mayumi Heene.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Approve Referendum 71
It's a little late to hop on this, considering that ballots need to be in by November 3rd. But if you are one of the few who frequent this blog, and you haven't voted, then please do a simple something to help out a fellow human being.
If you need more convincing, here are some quotes from the "I voted to REJECT Referendum 71!" facebook group. If you don't care to uphold the domestic partnership law, then at least vote APPROVE on Ref. 71 to spite these idiots.
Russ Woodruff says
"...would you like to go to the bathroom and see a cross-dressing and transgendered individual males walk out of the same bathroom as you? having to explain to your children why the freak is wearing a dress? In that case .. non cross-dressing rapist and murders can just dress up and come check you out.. and have sex in your public bathroom"
Russ brings up a good point. Referendum 71 is going to put more "murders" in public restrooms to murd people. Not to mention the fact that upholding this law will force people to speak with their children. Now, who wants to do that?
Polly Stathopulo says
"God created man and woman first and for a purpose...to get married, produce children, etc. If it was God's purpose to have 2 of the same sex be together he would have made 2 men or 2 women...he didn't...and he stated why he made Adam and Eve."
But Polly, I remember that Adam and Eve had two sons - Cain and Abel. Abel was killed by Cain, and Cain was succeeded by Enoch. Now, there's one important question - from where did Enoch's unnamed mother come? Probably from the vagina of Eve, the only woman of the previous generation, who happened to also be CAIN'S MOTHER.
Domestic partnership equals bad. Incest, totally normal.
Nata Kulikov says
"Jesus is coming. and very soon. I just hope that people start to live the way GOD wants them to live.
who ever wants this GAY thing is just sick person( Devil closed their eyes )
GOD Loves everyone in this world and wans us all to be in heavn with him when the times comes."
Nata, for your sake, I hope the test to get into heaven isn't written.
For more real info, check out approvereferendum71.org
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Recent News
The mother of the 6-year-old balloon boy admitted to officials that the situation was all a hoax. Other hoaxes she is taking responsibility for include crop circles and David Blaine.
Ex-Golden Girl, Bea Arthur, left $300,000 in her will to the Ali Forner Center in New York, an organization that supports homeless LGBT youth. After hearing the news, many gays have replied, "Thank God she’s dead."
Union workers have refused to help Ford Motors cut labor costs. Workers worried that if they cut costs down, they would have to change the company name to Kia.
Ex-Golden Girl, Bea Arthur, left $300,000 in her will to the Ali Forner Center in New York, an organization that supports homeless LGBT youth. After hearing the news, many gays have replied, "Thank God she’s dead."
Union workers have refused to help Ford Motors cut labor costs. Workers worried that if they cut costs down, they would have to change the company name to Kia.
Television producer, Laurie Jacobson, shares stories of ghost sightings on famous Hollywood hangouts. In the interview, Jacobson said, “Sometimes I’ll see a ghost, and it will take me a minute to realize that it’s just Joan Rivers.”
If you're looking for something really spooky, check out the dead people at...
If you're looking for something really spooky, check out the dead people at...
Bodies: The Exhibition
Sunday - Thursday : 10:00 am - 7:00 pm
Friday - Saturday : 10:00 am - 10:00 pm
1505 5th Ave
Seattle, WA 98101
Happy Halloween!
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