The Daily News

-Glen Beck received a key to the city from Mount Vernon, WA mayor, Bud Norris. When the event was barraged with protestors, Beck commented, “These white people have a deep-seated hatred of white people.”

-A detailed examination shows that the Los Angeles area Metrolink has led to 244 deaths in the last 15 years. “See, I’m not the only killer in L.A.,” said O.J. Simpson.

-Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, held up Auschwitz blueprints to prove the existence of the Holocuast to Iran before the UN's General Assembly. In an attempt to disprove Netanyahu, Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, said “Next he’s going to say we have plans to deploy our nuclear weapons.”

U.S. officials caught Roman Polanski after he left the country to avoid a statutory-rape conviction that occurred 31 years ago. With his capture, the population of free celebrity rapists has been reduced to R. Kelly.

Last Night You Missed:

Dead Until Twilight

Catch Blood Squad every Saturday at 10:30 pm until October 31st!
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1214 10th Ave Seattle, WA 98122

When I Grow Up...

In 1994, I wanted to grow up and play basketball for the Seattle Supersonics. In 1997, I wanted to play for the Philadelphia 76ers. In 2001, my high school coach called me the Liberace of basketball. Now I want to be a writer.

Protecting Yourself Against Swine Flu

There are many things one can do to avoid the current H1N1 pandemic(washing your hands, strengthening your immune system, not eating at Arby’s), but the one thing that would reduce all risks is ridding your life of Swine Flu’s number one agent – children.

In the 80s, swarms of people successfully dodged AIDS by avoiding interactions with blacks and gays. And look how AIDS-free we all turned out. Well, now we’ve got a new problem on our hands - one known as the Swine Flu carrying children of America.

So keep your hands clean, put those masks on, and move those kids into a ghetto. Because H1N1 is right around the corner, and it is not going to give you a friendly greeting.

Daily News

- More water was discovered on Mars buried in a crater formed by meteorites. Scientists say the amount of water found was equivalent to that in Kirstie Alley's post-shower belly button.

- Recent footage of children singing praises of President Obama has caused commotion amongst Republicans. Democrats have noted that President Bush, too, was serenaded in 2006 by children of the Gulf Coast, though less in praise, but more to teach him the rest of the alphabet.

- Susan Atkins, the imprisoned Charles Manson follower, died at the age of 61. The announcement of her death was made at 11:46 pm, and interrupted by Kanye West at 11:47.

- The social networking site, Twitter, has announced a major boost in funding. Website co-founders were unable to explain the funding increase in detail due to the fact that they announced this on Twitter.

- Though the dangers were made apparent to parents, studies show that most parents will not give their children H1N1 flu shots. Researchers are now changing the name from Swine Flu to Natural Selection.

Trailer of the week:

Post #1, vol. 2

Welcome to my fresh start at blogging! Here, you'll find instructions on how to achieve such heroism and valor as I have, mixed with occasional moments of desperation, and an even more occasional plea for help.

Included will be essays, maybe a short story, probably an update on the news, and if I can figure out how to do it, links to other stuff.

So stay tuned for more gut-splitting, edge-or-your-seat reading. Because the fun has only just begun again.